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My Secret For The Ladies

August 17, 2011
Wetzel Chronicle
Ladies, it’s time you become outraged at being targeted by profilers—a shameless act of treating you as if you could not make decisions on your own. We all know that females are the smarter of the two sexes. My wife informs me of that fact and I any not going to question that reasoning in my household.

So, what is this blatant degradation of your intelligence? Check out the magazine displays. I am sure you have noticed while waiting to check out at the local grocery store the neatly displayed assortment of women’s magazines. You don’t typically see monster trucks or hunting magazines at the checkout counter on display. Maybe a gardening magazine occasionally, but not the real blood, guts, and mud kind of reading material men often go for. And what about a women’s magazine with Troy Polamalu on the cover displaying his long dark hair? You now realize that is degrading to him. And do you remember when Joe Namath nearly bared it all in the centerfold of a magazine years ago? Absolutely disgusting, wouldn’t you ladies agree?

While I waited for the lady ahead of me to check out, talk on her cell phone, and count pennies to the cashier, I had a few minutes to randomly scan the assortment of magazines. “Find the secret to your man” now what kind of headline is that? For only $3.95 you take home a magazine and read all the secrets to a man. Ladies save your money, I’ll tell you for free—food, companionship, and don’t vacuum when the Steelers are on TV. There, I saved you four dollars.

In the United States upward of nearly 10,000 different magazines are published for consumers each month. Of that number, a few thousand magazines are in popular circulation to cover the public hungry for reading material on a vast array of subject matter. The magazine industry is made up by large corporations that publish to the English speaking population of North America. In addition to the high profile magazine, many regional magazines, are also produced and sold to special markets alongside the national variety.

Today, hand-held electronic devices are waging war to slowly replace the glossy-paged magazine we see each day. You can download free apps and then with the simple touch of a finger, read How to Lose Ten Pounds by This Weekend, which includes a picture of a skinny model holding a green salad alongside an advertisement for artificial sweetener.

Ten pounds, please ladies; I can help with that one, empty your purses. Carry a wallet like men and have that bulge in your hip pocket. No sense in paying good money for that advice on weight loss. We men figured out that weight loss secret a long ago. On occasion, you will still see a man with a European shoulder bag given to him by his wife. If he would take one good look at a Sport Illustrated swimsuit edition, he would quickly see the light and shed that extra over the shoulder weight.

Wrestling magazines and dally TV drama magazines should be on display together. After all, they are both covering make believe events. I know that a wrestler who jumps 10 feet onto his opponent takes great skill and training. To perform that maneuver without hurting himself or his counterpart requires real athletic skill. It is also a real skill when Mary Ann is in love with William, but can’t stand to leave Frank at the altar, while she is making a bid to take over her sister’s company; it is a real logistical and acting problem. These magazines and their subjects are for your entertainment and reading enjoyment.

Another magazine I scanned boasts “Make a Gourmet Meal In Under Ten Minutes For Your Family”. That is easier said than done. Sure anyone can produce a great meal in less than 10 minutes if given the time and material. But the story doesn’t say anything about women having to balance a full time job, get two kids off to school, pay the household bills, and get the dog to vet for shots. Now, that is a real challenge when you are responsible for a 10-minute gourmet meal for hungry kids and a husband. Where is the secret to that real life situation? I did not see that on the index page. . . and I looked.

A different magazine beckons you to find out what the summer fashions are this season. Summer fashions are what you find in the local retail store. With gas prices at an all time high, who can afford to travel any distance to buy this season’s latest fashion from a big name clothing store? Besides, back to school sales have already started along with the new fall clothing lines. An endless circle of clothing producers trying to get you to buy the latest fashion fresh from the Asian market. Few clothes we buy anymore are produced in this country. I don’t think you will see a magazine with headlines that reads, “Buy The Latest Foreign Import For the Summer Season and Kill American Jobs”.

In many ways the magazines at the checkout are a reflection of what we hope the real story would be. But the world we live in is not always wrapped up in a neat package with fancy subtitles. It is about making ends meet, balancing budgets, and keeping your busy schedule on track. Perhaps I am wrong and those colorful advertisements are a bit of real life in the crazy world around us. So, it is okay to buy the magazine that says, “What Men Really Want”, because on page 36 there is a story for you. It describes how to take some time and pamper yourself tonight. Go ahead, you deserve to be pampered a little, just try not to do it during his favorite sporting event.

So here is my secret headline for you ladies. “Make Your World a Little Better Tonight” Change into your favorite soft robe and warm fluffy slippers. Make yourself a cool glass of ice tea with a twist of fresh lemon. Next put on a little soft music; Kenny G might be a good choice. Lie back on the couch and place that magazine you bought today across your eyes to block the soft light of the fading day. Soon you will begin to dream about the world inside the magazine as you look Thru the Lens.   


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